May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Eclipse

We carry things around, here, right here over the ribs, things that scurry away when they see the light.
Dark things.
Heavy things.
They never leave us, we never leave them. A vicious cycle of mass.
If I seem heavier, just know my load has increased, and if my smile is thinner, well,
An eclipse is happening in my chest.
Isn’t it beautiful?

LDA

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

I am Queen Here

Where do you get that
That.
That will that you carry around in your hand when you crown yourself king over the realm of my body
And you lay your hand on me and touch
Without welcome
Where does it come from? This assumption that consent
Is assured
Or should I wear a sign that says
“Wet paint, do not touch”
Keep your hands to yourself
Usurper
I am king here
And in all the valleys between breasts, all the hollows, all the shadows and rolls, hills, forests, even the painted benches belong to me
And you will perish for your treason
See how head is cut from body
And raised on spikes to show them all
I am king here, 
Checkmate
I am queen here

LDA

 

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Revolution

Look at your face
The leaves are falling beneath your skin
This new season is nodding its head, it agrees with you
With your wokeness and how alert your spirit is
Breathe that in, do you taste that?
It is fire
And shouts
A revolution has begun inside of you that will see you become who you were always meant to be
Do not let it pass, do not give up
Hold on to that thing that keeps you up at midnights like these
That voice that will not be quieted, even now, when the darkness breathes
Do not let go of it
Listen when it speaks,
That is your soul’s call
You are here only to answer it
And then call other souls to their calls
You are here to continue
You are time itself

LDA

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Wait

I want to finish you
Sit still
I want you to unravel
Let loose like black mercury
And show me the steel beneath your dark velvet
Dont move
I want to skip to the end
Where you are lost
I want to absorb the bewilderment from your lips
And taste the animal sitting on your tongue
Hold on
Let me look at you.
Don’t hide, let me see what this collision of flesh does to you
Let yourself leak and pour
Straining vessels against slick skin
Spasming
Hot
Tropical heat
A free fall from the clouds
You never saw the sky coming

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Where Are We

Where am I
Without you
What part of the world is this
The face beside me is not yours
I dont know what you look like when you are not in love with me
And yet
I am here
And you.

It is midnight
He turns and mumbles something in his sleep
I sit still, breathe evenly, putting my lungs to sleep so he wont awaken
He will see you in my eyes
If he looks he will see
These memories that plague me so, that I clutch desperately

Do you remember that day we rode a donkey into the town
It felt so hallowed, a bite sized blasphemy
We laughed the entire way
And the other time we danced in the rain
And we scurried off when the lightning glazed our palms
Remember?
Or when we slept under the stars at that beach near Lake Victoria and then got malaria the very next day, how foolish we were!
Or when you first said you loved me and made me so afraid of the responsibility of your hapiness
But I took the crown you put at my feet, and I wore it anyway
And me.
Which part of hell is this?
The hottest flame is the fact that you are not here
That we cannot even enjoy this misery together.
Well.

I stopped crying, my well of tears cannot conjure up any rain for you.
But just because I broke your heart, does not mean that I do not hurt.

Your heart break is not a pole on which I scratch my self pity.
And you.
Maybe we need to stop being surrounded by ghosts, we need to forget love.
We need to erase lips and laughter, crinkly eyes and bodies, secrets and warm hands.
Let us sleep, within the arms of now.

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Empty

There you go again
Walking around with that thing in your eyes
In your empty palms
In the spaces between yourwords
You seem to be …. empty
And thats scares people
Are you full of ghosts and ghouls?
You need to look fuller in the belly of your heart.

But For now sit in the dark corner
With your begging eyes
And put a tin in front of you
Maybe someone will pass and drop a coin
Or pick you up
Because I think you are begging to give Yourself

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Burn

Smoke and skin
We are all burning
Throw some water on me
Spit on me
Piss on me
Make it bearable
You may not be aflame now
But
Love
You are on your way to the fire
Burn in bliss
Love
When you taste the flame
You will not look back
Your cinders will emerge
From the fire
Phoenix

Photo: IG: Jetmour

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Your There

I’m becoming so good at silence
Long languid stretches of it
Of words entombed in the roof of my mouth
the rustle of the bedsheet when I spread it says there will be more space on the bed tonight
And the teddybear stares at me with its beaded eyes
Lifeless
It looks like it would rather be somwhere else too
I have named him
I dont like the name Sean, you gave him that name
It must be something else
Something that will erase you
Like Thaddeaus or Launcelot
Big words to hide you under
I long to look into your eyes and see what you have with her
To fold myself into an envelope and send myself into the there where you are
How flows it
Do your eyes still wrinkle when you laugh
And do you gesture in that wild way when you get excited
Even this barren silence is filled with you
And when the air breathes around me
It sighs your name
the socks promise to keep me warm as I pull them on
The rustle of the coverlet says hello and welcome, the pillow snuggles my leaking face
I do hope you are laughing
I want life for you
I want there for you
I shall enjoy this deafening silence
And sink my teeth into it
Tomorrow is another day
Another poem about you
And the noise you evoke in my quiet soul
As I search for true silence
Away from your there

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

What Eggs Do To Pancakes

Do you feel it too
I am looking at you wondering whether you feel this round dark thing stationed between us

Whether you can see it from the corner of your eye in a sick twisted sixth sense way
Because we cannot prevent it
That there is a wrecking ball between us and whichever way it swings

There will be blood
Whether you can taste it, in your crushed bones
This feeling of premonition
Of deep loss

Do you?
You do not
Feel how empty our silences will become as if drained of the things that make up comfortable silences

As if silence has a liquid within it which lubricates in between noiselessness and makes it more confortable for the ears
For the eyes

And when this lacks then we start to feel an absense of something we cannot explain
And we sit here pursing lips and sipping hot air
With a renewed understanding of what eggs do to pancakes

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Even Here

You understand now
Why people are never stabbed once
There is a delicious rythm to destruction
Even here
When I sit looking at you
Sitting pretty but clawing at my heart
To stop this
Madness
Avarice
In backwards and forward motion
Decadent destruction
And the feel of warm blood
On top of mortal skin
I would stab you a thousand times
As thoughts of summer fly by in my head
And feel each jarring orifice get engorged with red silence
Wow
Look
You would perish so beautifully
I will hold you when you speak your last breath
When you say you love me
I love you too

Photo: IG

YUSH

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

NAKED

We are naked and silent
Miserable
You did not say good morning
Neither did I
And now the moment is gone
And the morning is no longer good
You are reaching to open the drawer behind my left buttock
I move aside
Quietly
Still vigorously oiling my thighs
Bent over
Agilely
You’re not even looking
The fire went out of your eyes a long time ago
Replaced by something flat lodged near your Iris
Akin to a platonic look at paint drying on a wall
This must be what quick sand feels like
And we are tip toeing around it, trying so hard to stay afloat
My mouth is dry
I am thirsty all the time, no matter what I drink
The sheets rustle when you spread the bed
And dawn light suffuses the room
More silence
Why does this feel so brittle and broken
So unmendable
The bed is square
I have always wanted a round bed
Would we fall off, do you think?
You are so furtive
protecting your phone as if it holds the secrets of the universe
When all it holds is just your text messages to her, her to you
Its okay, I dont even have your password
So no need for all the cloak and dagger
And hiding your smiles when you write to her
Pretending to care less than you do
I see it all
It knifes my eyes
Makes them watery at night when I sleep next to you and learn techniques
Like how to cry without sobbing, the trick is never to sniffle and keep your mouth open
Breathe ever so shallowly
As if you are about to drown
And the tears will flow without any sobs
Dont close your mouth when you cry love
Open it for silence
If you are lucky you will cry yourself to sleep
Because no matter how racked I am you dont know what to say anymore
Or how to say it
Or what to do
So you will ignore these hot silent tears
And when we wake up in another morning
More dawn
A deeper silence will settle around us
I will bend over to oil my thighs
And you will open a drawer

Photo source: IG

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Mama

I cannot call to hear your voice because when he called me what he called me you stood by

Staring
Your wringing hands
I did not look
But I felt your stare and now I will never know what was in it
Can you tell me?
No
I would rather not know
What you said to me
Through your eyes
I went to the kitchen sink on unsteady legs mama
Quicksands of tumult tied to my ankles
I stood there and washed my hands
Dried them carefully
I wished I could dry my eyes too
And then I could not breathe
Because someone threw a glass on the floor
It should have been you
The shouting receded
My eyes were full of the stairs
It was daytime but darkness engulfed me
That one flight felt like a journey mama
Even when you came out to beg me not to leave and grasped my hands
I had to pull away
Because what he believes is the truth was escaping from between his lips
He invoked God and hell fire upon me
Pontificating as if he himself is an angel
I wanted to shout that no sin is small
That I had a chance at salvation
Maybe
But he kept shouting, I saw rage on God’s face , my ears ringing
and as his words hit the air of that house
I was immersed into the fire that burnt the salem witches
All around me my hair was pulled and I was spat on, tied naked to the stake to burn for my sins
You did not light the fire that burned the witch mama
But it still eviscerated me
Turned me into a crisp
Bones on a stake
And when I emerged into the afternoon sun I was bewildered
As to how the flowers in the garden continue to grow
Blossom
So that is how I know mama
I know there is hope for me yet
Because I came to birth at dawn
And you named me
Aluoch
Dawn warrior
I know that it will get better before it gets worse
I shall survive this darkness until dawn
I still love you
But I cannot look too closely mama
I shall surely burn

Photo: IG – creepmachine

 

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Where Is Your Head?

I think I’m starting to feel some of the symptoms of the people who die too young.
I have too many questions and crises within existential crises.
And even this feeling on “non-normalcy” is so repugnant to me.

I just want to be normal. (Said like a person that does not believe in their normalcy and hence has delusions of grandeur regarding the disparity between ‘their state’ and the ‘normal state’ by defining normal as some pre-determined status quo in the human being on both the physical and psychological planes)-in this case mostly psychological)
And to want normal things, unless if this is normal, then I guess its okay, I would like to be part of the herd
But in so saying, am I not intimating that I am infact, not part of the herd? And that this ‘thing’ makes me special, not in the way of being a defect but being different from the rest in a way that benefits me?
Are we normal?
Do you think such thoughts too?
Where is your head?

May 2, 2017 - Uncategorized    No Comments

MAY

Its such an ordinary month
May
Just three letters
So normal
I should have been warned
Of the insidious grief May carries
So casually
In the tumble of falling leaves and the howling of the rain
I needed a sign
I would have been more prepared.
I think my first May was the May of 1990, because I was born in September 1989
I must have gotten sick that May, a flu or a fever
I need to ask Mother.
That would have been an omen of this,
Of the way May is drilling holes into my heart
I cannot even sleep for May, I shall sleep in June
Maybe I shall
Because I will have learnt how to sleep alone
I should get a smaller bed in which I can hold myself and keep myself warm
Or maybe I should turn my house upside down and sleep on the wall.
‘How to survive May’
I will write a book if I do survive
I must survive you.
I think I created an ocean with all the tears I cried in May
I should go for a swim
It felt like a decade of misery, I saw a red hot hell in May
I look for June at every sunrise, I look for December
I look for any other time any other season apart from this one
Any escape from this instance, I scratch at my arms and my chest heaves when I cry
I bang on the wall and look at the tears welling up in my eyes in the mirror, I force myself to look so that I never forget that What May did to me.
I am only looking for mercy, and a place to hide from May
I am looking for June , and for December
For any clean day, free of tears. It must be soon.
Maybe tomorrow

Feb 3, 2016 - Uncategorized    1 Comment

Bags of Souls

Have you ever looked into the eyes of the one you love, and had it just dawn on you that you would destroy them.
Not in that instance, not in the next, but on a looming normal day, you will wake up, look at their face lying on that pillow and decide, ‘I’m done’ I have had enough of this bag of soul.
That you would strangle their laughter, thick callused hands wrapped around the necks of their dreams. and you will see the ghost town of what the space that used to be between the two of you emptied with silence.
Has it ever filled you with dark dread, made you throw up green a little in your mouth.


The thought that one day you will be strangers, and that it will be because you broke them.

No?

Me neither.

Feb 3, 2016 - Uncategorized    No Comments

I think you should know your feet stank

 

I only remember that your feet stank. To high heaven.

I remember telling myself that in that instance and tucking it away in a mental list of things to tell you.

You had lost something that was precious to you that day, and I sat there on the bed and asked you if you needed me to stay.

No.

I heard it in the shake of your head, and then you turned away for some few seconds.

But when you turned back to look at me, I realised that we both lost something precious that day.

Me you.

You not me. Something other than me, there was always something you could never find in the reach of my arms, in the width of my hips, in the taste of my lips.

I hope you finally found it.

But I think you should know your feet stank.

Feb 3, 2016 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Do not Drink

 

You sit there and look at them accepting you, smiling, being normal.
They are accepting skeletons of yourself that you would flee from, if they were not your own.
You sit back in a dark corner of your mind and look at them intently, studying the indentation of their smile for deceit, for lies, for shadows.
You must be sure.
That the acceptance is unconditional, because once you greedily drink from their soul, you will learn why the moon weeps and gloomily traverses the sky.


Why like an eclipse, you can only exchange souls so often and still remain whole.

Feb 3, 2016 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Son of the Sun

It is dark in your life now but I see you.
A ray in the womb of the sun, the light is almost piercing through your skin, and the cracks are glorious.
Let yourself soar, join the sky, be brilliant, shine.
Do not dim yourself for anyone, allow yourself to set and every sunrise revel in the wounds through which sunlight walks the earth.
Be the light.

Feb 3, 2016 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Learning to let go

 

You wear a casual air so easily
In the flick of the light in your eyes
The delicious subtle twitch of autumn lips
And then the words tumble out
Washing over me like a balmy winter, warm at first and cold all at once.
I swallow the questions seeping out of my soul
Moping them up with remorse and praying my eagerness away
You miss me, three casual words flung at my feet
I shall keep my pride ram rod straight, even if it kills me, I shall not pick them up, I shall not caress them, hold them near, cry into their crevices
I have been here before, heard these words, ran to them,picked them up, inhaled them, licked them,
And then you broke me again, with the accuracy of pythagoras, you twisted my heart in angles it could not recover from
More times than I like to count
So I choose silence
I have been pliable, and forgiving, hiding how I feel behind slipping smiles,
Always circling the nipple of the matter.
I choose patience
I shall wait for my heart’s waves to ebb
And then I shall forget
I shall never let those three words in,
I want to wreck you, so that you finally understand why hurricanes are named after women
I want you to wake up and realise that you have lost me
That your skies are dark, and I am no longer there, a worried moon always begging to be let in

Feb 3, 2016 - Uncategorized    No Comments

I will cut you

I cut two onions earlier today. Im dangerous like that. Fuck around and get cut up.
I interrogated them in a dark room with a single bulb, it swang slowly, eerily, bouncing light off of dark, bare walls which look like the inside of a scream.
In a soliloquy in my head, I was multiple personality disorder cop.
“Who sent you?”
“Just tell us what we want to know and we will let you go”
“Why are you here?”
But they never answered so I chopped open their heads and threw them in a frying pan on a fire.
But something went wrong, I cannot stop crying, I think their sharp onion fumes punctured a tear vein in my left eye and now I look like a theatre mask, one eye cries while the other smiles grotesquely.
Now they are in onion hell paying for what they did to me.

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